this post is just the way im feeling. its not meant to hurt anybody.
why do i even bother to try so hard when u have your "best" or "good" friend there for you. apparently. every time she is there when both of us are around. i jus feel like u care more about her than u do about me. it feels like ur taking me for granted. do i have to compete with her jus for your care and concern? i know its fucking hard for you to please both sides and i know u care about ur friend...but do u give me as much considerations? why is it always me at fault when an issue arises between ur friend and me? why am i always the one that has to fucking give in? WHY? jus because im willing to change for our benefit?
just like the time u told me that she got the job..i knew something like this was gonna happen. and its because im jealous that every fucking day she is working with you. u tell me its different when u are working...but thats not the point. its not gonna make me feel any better about the situation. i find it very hard to play second fiddle to her even though u tell me she's just a friend and for me its different. i hardly feel the concern when she's around because all your attention is on talking to her. i'm left alone most of the time. why? because im showing a dam black face and not being happy when u want to? i can see that u do try sometimes but still i feel very alone. very left out. u tell me its cos i dunno how to immerse myself in the conversation. true. its because i dun even fucking noe what to say..i dunno what the hell u all are talking about. and if u notice. none of the other band members noe too. it was just the two of u talking about work. so stop saying that i feel alone because i dunno how to blend into the conversation.
every time something like this happens and we quarell...u are always at her defence. true u do know to a certain extent how i feel...and u do consider them but i jus feel like ur defending her. i might be wrong. i dunno if u might have the mentality that u can give her all ur attention because i'll always be there for u every other time and u can turn to me then. but honestly, it pisses me off. i never say that u cant talk to her or what...but sometimes i just want you to be there for me. i'm not as lucky as u to have a good friend there for you in addititon to me. i only have you that i can talk to and share things with. and when u get upset with me...im alone again. whereas u still can talk to her. it just feels so unfair, so subjective. it feels like u hate me for being who i am and yet i have to learn to accept her for who she is. sometimes i dun understand. really.
the part where she hit ur back..i just got so bloody pissed. so what if she's ur best friend? i jus don want her hurting you in anyway. both of you may think its funny. but not me. i'm saying all these things beacuse i love you and i care for you more than u will ever know. i never mean to hurt you in any way or another. whatever i do is for ur benefit as well as mine. but just that at these times..its feels unappreciated. i try so hard and to the best i can for you during these times...but just one small mistake and u flare up at me. and to me...it jus seems as though u will complain all about whatever ive done wrong to her. because she's ur good friend. so what about me? am i just another dog ass bastard at ur work place that u can shout at and flare up at and one that can just let go of everything so easily and be ok the next moment? NO. thats why i showed up with the dam black face yesterdae..and thats why i found it hard to acknowledge you. beacuse i cant smile. its because i got the dam timing right and yet i got shouted at from you. i rushed like mad jus for ur sake in spite of all the fucking constrictions and i was ON TIME. but u din think so. i know that u always have a tough day at work or even a really bad day..but ur not alone dear. i try my best to give u your considerations especially during this period. but i am only human and i can make mistakes dear.
then you'll probably ask. why in spite of all that has happened, all the hurt and sadness...why do i still love you then? it cos i forgive you for whatever wrong u've done or at least i try to. but i get so frustrated whenever i cant be forgiven for committing a smaller mistake. i want you to be happy and smiling...and thats why i make so many sacrifices for you. i go over to your place to try to cheer you up even when im so tired. its because i know that u need me there and that i am willing to sacrifice my rest just for YOU. but when your good friend comes along, i feel like its all going to waste because u don need me there, and it feels like u only need me to be there when she's not there for you. and it really hurts and saddens me.
jus want you to know that none of this was meant to hurt u at all. its just the way i feel. i know its not easy but i'll try. reactions. i promise.
you don know how much i care and love you yet. one day you'll find out.
i hope that u can forgive me for whatever i've done and said wrong. please...
iloveyou.
why do i even bother to try so hard when u have your "best" or "good" friend there for you. apparently. every time she is there when both of us are around. i jus feel like u care more about her than u do about me. it feels like ur taking me for granted. do i have to compete with her jus for your care and concern? i know its fucking hard for you to please both sides and i know u care about ur friend...but do u give me as much considerations? why is it always me at fault when an issue arises between ur friend and me? why am i always the one that has to fucking give in? WHY? jus because im willing to change for our benefit?
just like the time u told me that she got the job..i knew something like this was gonna happen. and its because im jealous that every fucking day she is working with you. u tell me its different when u are working...but thats not the point. its not gonna make me feel any better about the situation. i find it very hard to play second fiddle to her even though u tell me she's just a friend and for me its different. i hardly feel the concern when she's around because all your attention is on talking to her. i'm left alone most of the time. why? because im showing a dam black face and not being happy when u want to? i can see that u do try sometimes but still i feel very alone. very left out. u tell me its cos i dunno how to immerse myself in the conversation. true. its because i dun even fucking noe what to say..i dunno what the hell u all are talking about. and if u notice. none of the other band members noe too. it was just the two of u talking about work. so stop saying that i feel alone because i dunno how to blend into the conversation.
every time something like this happens and we quarell...u are always at her defence. true u do know to a certain extent how i feel...and u do consider them but i jus feel like ur defending her. i might be wrong. i dunno if u might have the mentality that u can give her all ur attention because i'll always be there for u every other time and u can turn to me then. but honestly, it pisses me off. i never say that u cant talk to her or what...but sometimes i just want you to be there for me. i'm not as lucky as u to have a good friend there for you in addititon to me. i only have you that i can talk to and share things with. and when u get upset with me...im alone again. whereas u still can talk to her. it just feels so unfair, so subjective. it feels like u hate me for being who i am and yet i have to learn to accept her for who she is. sometimes i dun understand. really.
the part where she hit ur back..i just got so bloody pissed. so what if she's ur best friend? i jus don want her hurting you in anyway. both of you may think its funny. but not me. i'm saying all these things beacuse i love you and i care for you more than u will ever know. i never mean to hurt you in any way or another. whatever i do is for ur benefit as well as mine. but just that at these times..its feels unappreciated. i try so hard and to the best i can for you during these times...but just one small mistake and u flare up at me. and to me...it jus seems as though u will complain all about whatever ive done wrong to her. because she's ur good friend. so what about me? am i just another dog ass bastard at ur work place that u can shout at and flare up at and one that can just let go of everything so easily and be ok the next moment? NO. thats why i showed up with the dam black face yesterdae..and thats why i found it hard to acknowledge you. beacuse i cant smile. its because i got the dam timing right and yet i got shouted at from you. i rushed like mad jus for ur sake in spite of all the fucking constrictions and i was ON TIME. but u din think so. i know that u always have a tough day at work or even a really bad day..but ur not alone dear. i try my best to give u your considerations especially during this period. but i am only human and i can make mistakes dear.
then you'll probably ask. why in spite of all that has happened, all the hurt and sadness...why do i still love you then? it cos i forgive you for whatever wrong u've done or at least i try to. but i get so frustrated whenever i cant be forgiven for committing a smaller mistake. i want you to be happy and smiling...and thats why i make so many sacrifices for you. i go over to your place to try to cheer you up even when im so tired. its because i know that u need me there and that i am willing to sacrifice my rest just for YOU. but when your good friend comes along, i feel like its all going to waste because u don need me there, and it feels like u only need me to be there when she's not there for you. and it really hurts and saddens me.
jus want you to know that none of this was meant to hurt u at all. its just the way i feel. i know its not easy but i'll try. reactions. i promise.
you don know how much i care and love you yet. one day you'll find out.
i hope that u can forgive me for whatever i've done and said wrong. please...
iloveyou.