I've always thought of myself as standing on the line between a fighter and a quitter. Over the past few years, it seems that my viewpoints and mindsets towards certain, in fact, many things has changed.
I seem to be more cautious about making decisions, I seem to want to know what I want for myself, I seem to take less risk, I seem to want to take the back seat more often than not, I seem to want to able to give people opportunities, I seem to want to be as much of a helping hand as possible.
I find myself having to deal with so much internal conflict. I want be be able to be someone who knows what to do and be sure of his decisions. Its weird how I see myself sometimes.
I don't drink, I don't smoke, clubbing just isn't my thing at this point of time. I play soccer, bowl, play the guitar, somewhat aspire to be a photographer one day, recently developed a passion for radio and audio production. Its quite a bit for someone who hasn't even turned 20 yet.
I wanna be able to achieve many things in life. It all seems smooth right now but I feel like I have too much luck on my side in all that I've achieved so far.
I feel bad because I seem to be slacking alot, yet getting the results people want. I'm lucky to have a family so supportive of what I do as well. I made it to the National U-15 team in 2003 and I don't know if I was lucky that I had my ex-coaches as one of the selectors. I topped the class in sec 3 and sec 4, but was it because it was the last express class in the level?
I really do have this 'need' to prove things to myself. I seem to always be the best among the worst but hardly ever the best of the best.
As a photographer, yes my photos are of a certain standard, but I seem to be stagnant at where I am right now. I don't seem to have anyone to learn from and I crave for that knowledge. I want to be able to learn from others.
As a guitarist, its a situation similar to myself as a photographer. I find myself lacking in guidance and training. And sometimes I begin to wonder if thats the limit to my talents. I've always wanted to write songs, put emotions into words and song.
There's many things I wanna do and accomplish, yet I don't know which way to head. I don't know where to begin. Its as if I'm caught in this net and I cant find my way out. I'm finding it hard to clear my head from everything.
I do want to be someone who's carefree, able to let go of hurt and pain, not get upset so easily, be able to control my emotions better, not hold onto things so much. So many times I wish I can cry my heart out but I never know who to go to.
Acquintances, many. Friends, enough to go around. Close friends, a few. Yet I find myself alone most of the time. Maybe cos I don't fit in to many groups. I don't feel I belong in most cliques. Their lifestyle and mine just...doesn't go together. Some of those I treasure more have schedules that never seem to match mine. And when it comes to those that mean the most to me, I see indifference.
Its just painful to see someone who you treat as your best friend, and who supposedly calls you a best friend too, just not acknowledge you when you're around most of the time. You just don't seem like an important part of their lives and when it seems like they only come to you when they need you. I appreciate the times I share with people I consider my best friends, but I wish there were more of such memories.
Last week was one of the very few times I actually got a message from one of then asking me how I was. In school, it seems as though the friends in her clique are more important. And it really sucks to be me sometimes. When I was away in NZ, it felt as though things would be different when I came back, that she'd maybe treat me a little better. I'm frustrated because it isn't any different now than it was before I left. Sigh. Maybe thats just how its meant to be. She's always busy, with school work and everything else, her "better" best friends surely come first. Me? Well, maybe not today, tomorrow, or anytime soon. Unless I'm having a serious problem or about I'm to die, I hope.
I'll be honest right now, I'm sad. I do feel alone very often, not much of the cheery boy I seem to be in school. Its different when I'm at home. Its sad, its emotional, its filled with thoughts of so many things. Every night I feel as though I have something to cry out. I think about whether I'm too nice to people, hence allowing them to take advantage of my kindness and generosity, if they see any at all.
I really wish i can just let it all out just by playing my guitar, but I can't. I wish I knew a way to make myself smile more often. I wanna be able to go out and chill with my friends, just relax and take my time off things. Maybe after school's over, but then again, most people have their own cliques.
Where do I fit? God knows.
I seem to be more cautious about making decisions, I seem to want to know what I want for myself, I seem to take less risk, I seem to want to take the back seat more often than not, I seem to want to able to give people opportunities, I seem to want to be as much of a helping hand as possible.
I find myself having to deal with so much internal conflict. I want be be able to be someone who knows what to do and be sure of his decisions. Its weird how I see myself sometimes.
I don't drink, I don't smoke, clubbing just isn't my thing at this point of time. I play soccer, bowl, play the guitar, somewhat aspire to be a photographer one day, recently developed a passion for radio and audio production. Its quite a bit for someone who hasn't even turned 20 yet.
I wanna be able to achieve many things in life. It all seems smooth right now but I feel like I have too much luck on my side in all that I've achieved so far.
I feel bad because I seem to be slacking alot, yet getting the results people want. I'm lucky to have a family so supportive of what I do as well. I made it to the National U-15 team in 2003 and I don't know if I was lucky that I had my ex-coaches as one of the selectors. I topped the class in sec 3 and sec 4, but was it because it was the last express class in the level?
I really do have this 'need' to prove things to myself. I seem to always be the best among the worst but hardly ever the best of the best.
As a photographer, yes my photos are of a certain standard, but I seem to be stagnant at where I am right now. I don't seem to have anyone to learn from and I crave for that knowledge. I want to be able to learn from others.
As a guitarist, its a situation similar to myself as a photographer. I find myself lacking in guidance and training. And sometimes I begin to wonder if thats the limit to my talents. I've always wanted to write songs, put emotions into words and song.
There's many things I wanna do and accomplish, yet I don't know which way to head. I don't know where to begin. Its as if I'm caught in this net and I cant find my way out. I'm finding it hard to clear my head from everything.
I do want to be someone who's carefree, able to let go of hurt and pain, not get upset so easily, be able to control my emotions better, not hold onto things so much. So many times I wish I can cry my heart out but I never know who to go to.
Acquintances, many. Friends, enough to go around. Close friends, a few. Yet I find myself alone most of the time. Maybe cos I don't fit in to many groups. I don't feel I belong in most cliques. Their lifestyle and mine just...doesn't go together. Some of those I treasure more have schedules that never seem to match mine. And when it comes to those that mean the most to me, I see indifference.
Its just painful to see someone who you treat as your best friend, and who supposedly calls you a best friend too, just not acknowledge you when you're around most of the time. You just don't seem like an important part of their lives and when it seems like they only come to you when they need you. I appreciate the times I share with people I consider my best friends, but I wish there were more of such memories.
Last week was one of the very few times I actually got a message from one of then asking me how I was. In school, it seems as though the friends in her clique are more important. And it really sucks to be me sometimes. When I was away in NZ, it felt as though things would be different when I came back, that she'd maybe treat me a little better. I'm frustrated because it isn't any different now than it was before I left. Sigh. Maybe thats just how its meant to be. She's always busy, with school work and everything else, her "better" best friends surely come first. Me? Well, maybe not today, tomorrow, or anytime soon. Unless I'm having a serious problem or about I'm to die, I hope.
I'll be honest right now, I'm sad. I do feel alone very often, not much of the cheery boy I seem to be in school. Its different when I'm at home. Its sad, its emotional, its filled with thoughts of so many things. Every night I feel as though I have something to cry out. I think about whether I'm too nice to people, hence allowing them to take advantage of my kindness and generosity, if they see any at all.
I really wish i can just let it all out just by playing my guitar, but I can't. I wish I knew a way to make myself smile more often. I wanna be able to go out and chill with my friends, just relax and take my time off things. Maybe after school's over, but then again, most people have their own cliques.
Where do I fit? God knows.