I wish I had more freedom. To be able to do things at my own time, at my own pace. To be able to give more time to the people I love.

Its strange when I think of people who have less freedom than I do right now, but I just feel like I don't have enough of it. Not for a 20 year old at least.

There are times when I dream of being grown up, working, having my own car, house, wife and kids. Its like dreaming about the perfect lifestyle that I'd wanna have, and to share that with the person I love the most. I do wish I had someone right now, but things just don;t fall nicely into place at my end and it makes it so difficult for me. Maybe I'm too cautious, maybe I'm too scared, maybe my self esteem is just too low. Maybe I'm letting go of what's to be the future.

It was never the case of not wanting it. Its a case of not being ready to give everything to someone whom I would want to be with. I had never been this uncertain about myself before and it scares me to think that I've become this person.

I hate the fact that I think too much and become over jealous at times but I don't know how to get rid of it. I just feel as long as I continue to struggle with this, any relationship I'm in would never work out. Its just too tiring for the other person.

I'm sensing that I'm catching myself in a vicious cycle that I've created by being to cautious about things. I just start thinking so much about what would happen if I did this or did that, or if something would work out or not. It then becomes a case of something not being able to happen cos I'm not good enough. Maybe I'm trying too hard to change to suit others. Yet I get jealous over minor things, threats, trivial issues and what not. I just don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I want for my life, I don't know how I want to end up living my life.

Sigh. Welcome to a day in my life.



; let go of the one you love. if he comes back he's yours, if he doesn't, he never was.

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