I haven't been in the best of moods for the past few weeks mainly due to the passing of my grandma, coupled with accumulated school work and a host of other stuff on my mind.

Basically I'm about 2 weeks behind schedule for my media mangement principles lectures and I havent really began studying even though my tests are in like 2 weeks? Thank God there's only 2 papers.

Besides studying and school, one thing which has been pissing me off alot is guitars. I'm finding it very very tough to get really nice tones out of my effects pedals and my amps in church are spoilt. Plus, I'm honestly really sick and tired of the way I play. I think its really boring and pathetic.

I know that some of you may disagree in one way or another but the fact is that it really gets on my nerve when I just dont have anything new I can add to my playing. Day in, day out, I play the same riffs and chords till I seriouly feel like smashing my guitars.

In the band, I feel like the odd one out. A total of 4 keyboardists, 2 bassists, 2 drummers, 2 acoustic guitarists [one of them is me], but only I play the electric. Frustrating at times cos no one else really knows how to help me get the nicer tones and how to get a nice riff pattern etc. Most of the time I feel lost cos I think alot is being asked of me and I feel pressuriesed to deliver because I know my capabilities.

There are somethings I know I can do and many other things I know I cant do with the electric guitar. I seriously wish I had someone to learn from, someone to guide me.

Another thing that frustrates me alot of the factn that I can hardly be heard through the main sound system when the whole band is playing, which basically means 8/10 of the time. I'm starting to see no point in playing because it just doesnt make a difference to the people. I believe that each instrument serves it purpose during worship, to bring a song to another level.

So, if it is virtually impossible for me to be heard, then I dont see much else that I can do.

This has been on my mind for a long time and its beginning to make me think again about whether I belong in the band or not. It might just me me being really tired from school and stuff, or it might be some other things that make me feel "isolated", I dont really know.

Maybe it isnt the right time to bring up the other issues. Maybe I shouldnt even bother.

I'm starting to re-think about who my real friends are.




One year on, I can still feel a tinge of hurt lingering. Not within me, not within her, just the air between us. I dont feel sadness nor pain, just uneasiness at times.





Am I thinking too much? Maybe I am, but thats how I see it.

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